Santa, baby, revisited

celebrity santa

Eden Winter’s posted her reasons why Santa might just be a keeper. While I agree with her, I’ve also had a few second thoughts.

There might be reasons not to partner up with Santa Claus.

I kind of like variety in my wardrobe. Sure he’s happy to see you in whatever you wear, or don’t, but you’re kind of expected to wear the traditional outfit. (See 150 in-laws below.) How long will it be before you’re desperate to wear a blue blouse?

Yes, he has unlimited access to cookies. That means you do too. You can hide a lot of indulgence under red velour and fur trim. But those cute jeans you got on sale are gonna be history if you hang around with him.

Yup, he makes a lists. And checks it twice. He’s very organized. Do you really want to be item #7 on Saturday?

Eden argues that as a reindeer-powered kind of guy, Santa’s not a hunter. It’s a long way from the North Pole to Whole Foods. Your diet is back to cookies.

He knows who’s naughty and who’s nice, remember. Which means he knows where that naughty gal who whispered in his ear lives. Eden plans to distract him with cookies. But his diet is already heavy on cookies. What if naughty gal offers him Eggs Benedict?

His reindeer do what reindeer do. Which is reindeer doodoo. It grows great rhododendrons, I am told, but the North Pole is too far north for greenery, even in these days of global warming. What do you do with the pile?

The elves. They might cook and clean, but they also might be like living with 150 of your closest in-laws. And what if you didn’t really want them to rewire your car, your clock radio, or your computer in those slack days in early January?

For that matter, does Santa even get internet that far off the grid? Cell phone service?

Now, if you’ve thought ahead, you can deal with these little drawbacks, and Santa’s a great guy overall. Is he still a keeper?

One response to “Santa, baby, revisited

  1. Good point about the raindeer manure. A 1,800 horse produces about 70 lbs of manure per day. I think you can safely prorate it by pound, since both reindeer and horses are herbivores. Figure Santa is in the possession of the mass equivalent of 4 horses – that’s 280 lbs of manure per day. The bad news is storage and disposal, however you could turn it into a cottage industry and trade it for organic vegetables, or even cash, to your local CSA. That would offset the cookie burden some. Furthermore, shoveling that manure is good exercise! Both of you would benefit. If men like to work on their cars, it stands to reason that Santa likes taking care of his… ehm… transportation. Also, shoveling manure is surprisingly time-consuming. If he was gainfully occupied tending his herd of, I dunno, 200 reindeer, it would provide income and lots of green produce, and he wouldn’t have time for all those naughty floozies out there!

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